SEASON 1/EPISODE 7: E-I-E-I-AHHHH!

Content Warnings: Animal death, animal eating habits, animal mating habits, animal violence, animal injury, gore, animal mutilation, blood, decomposition of animal corpses, humans as food.

This week we had a promo swap with Wizard Seeking Wizard, a wizard dating podcast. The transcript for the promo is at the bottom of the page, right after our transcript!

SCENE 1

Adventurous music fades

 

EXT. DAY. A farm. Stormy day.

 

ADVENTUROUS MUSIC continues and DWINDLES into the sound

of car doors slamming. You can hear the wind rustling through corn stalks. Crows caw off in the distance.

 

SEBASTIAN

How on Earth can you not like this kind of weather?

 

Trunk opens, ANNABETH rustles for things. 

 

ANNABETH

Porque es horrendo. It’s so dreary.

 

SEBASTIAN

Exactly. It’s cloudy and cold and windy. Perfect weather. 

 

ANNABETH

No, no, no. You’re so wrong. It’s sunny and hot weather that’s the best. 

 

Trunk closes.

 

SEBASTIAN

You would have loved Panama. It never dives below 77.

 

They both begin walking down a dirt road.

 

ANNABETH

Becca and I could hit up so many beaches.
 

SEBASTIAN

And explore Spanish forts.

 

ANNABETH

And see lots and lots of monkeys. Okay. I’m definitely putting this place down on my bucket list.

 

SEBASTIAN

Maybe we’ll all get the chance. Now that I’m documenting fae full time, it’d be a good stop. It’s one of the most biodiverse countries in the world.

 

ANNABETH

Your parents still living there? They work for the Smithsonian, right?

 

SEBASTIAN

Yeah. Dad’s still researching butterflies, Mom’s still researching plantlife. They’d love to have you guys down there. They really like guests. 

 

ANNABETH

Well, it sounds like a plan! I’ll pack my bathing suits as soon as I finish up my  seemingly endless schedule of surgeries.

SEBASTIAN

Glad to hear the clinic’s doing good.

 

ANNABETH

Yeah, it is. Had to hire this one new guy just so that I could keep up. Need all

the help that I can get now that I’m playing Night Nurse for every fae you bring in. 

 

SEBASTIAN

Ohhh you love it. Don’t lie.

 

ANNABETH

Of course I love it! I’m studying creatures no one even knows exist! God. If you hadn’t brought in that Hobgoblin when you had… I don’t even know what I’d be doing right now.

 

SEBASTIAN

Hey. I’d always bring my guys to you. You’re the best around.

 

ANNABETH

Oh shush.

 

SEBASTIAN

No, really! You are!

 

ANNABETH

Hey. That reminds me. Have you heard from Joshua?

 

SEBASTIAN

Who?

 

ANNABETH

The boogeyman.

 

SEBASTIAN

Um. No. Why would I?

 

ANNABETH

He didn’t show up for his appointment.

 

SEBASTIAN

Maybe he just forgot. Or skipped town.

 

ANNABETH

No… I don’t think he would have done that. He was telling me about how excited he was.

 

SEBASTIAN

Well, the guy’s a liar. It’s what he does. 
 

A rustle in the corn stalks.

 

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

Hey, did you see that?

 

ANNABETH

See what?

 

SEBASTIAN

Nah, never mind. Could have sworn I saw someone.

 

ANNABETH

Maybe it’s the thing among the rows. It’s coming to claim our souls. OoooOOOoooo. 
 

SEBASTIAN

Stop. You know I hate that movie.

 

ANNABETH

Because it sucks so much?

 

SEBASTIAN

Exactly.
 

ANNABETH

Man… What kind of tree is this? It’s gorgeous.

 

SEBASTIAN

Rowan. I think.

 

ANNABETH

Must be ancient. It’s huge.

 

SEBASTIAN

Yeah. It really must be. You know, Rowan is called the witch tree. It’s said to have slews of protective properties. It was real bad luck to harm one.

 

ANNABETH

Show off.

 

SEBASTIAN

Oh shut--

 

NAOMI

Hey there! Dr. Hale?

 

ANNABETH

Please. Call me Annabeth.

 

NAOMI

Naomi. You mind if I smoke?

NAOMI lights her cigarette.

 

NAOMI (CONT'D)

Good. And you are?

 

SEBASTIAN

Sebastian Verwood. Zoologist.

NAOMI

Never met a zoologist before. They work with vets often?

 

ANNABETH

All the time, but Sebastian’s the one I work with most.

 

NAOMI

You the one that’s going to find out what’s been killing my cows?

 

SEBASTIAN

Yeah. That’s exactly what I’m here for.

 

NAOMI

Good. Make sure you kill the fuckers the second you get your sights on them.

 

SEBASTIAN

I’ll... try.

 

ANNABETH

Show us to the pasture?

 

NAOMI

Sure thing.

 

NAOMI puts out her smoke.

 

NAOMI

I… I feel- No, I know it isn’t coyotes. What the hell am I dealing with here? 

 

SEBASTIAN

That’s why I’m here. To make sure we find that out.

 

ANNABETH

Now, can you show us where it happened?

 

NAOMI

Right this way.

 

ANNABETH

How are the other cows?

 

NAOMI

They’re… They’re terrified. I think.

 

SEBASTIAN

How so?

 

NAOMI

They won’t leave the barn. Horses won’t either… It’s almost as if they think the pasture’s evil. Hell, if you saw what I saw… You’d think it was evil too. It was… God, it felt like it happened so long ago, but it was only just last week. It… It wasn’t me who found them first. It was my son. He went out to go feed the horses apples from our tree over there. Our dog Maddie hopped on over to follow him. Next thing I know… I just heard him scream. He just wouldn’t stop screaming. And I was so scared. I thought maybe he got kicked by one of the horses. I dropped what I was doing -- I had a vacuum cleaner -- and I sprinted outside. I was calling his name over and over again. He just kept on screaming bloody murder. I saw Maddie

first. She sprinted past me, tail curled between her legs. And then I saw him. I plucked him up and just checked every part of him, just like I did when he was born. Ten toes, ten fingers, a nose, two eyes… And then that’s when I saw what he was looking at. There were just… a dozen of them. All of them were laying there dead and I swear to god they were alive the day before. I thought… I really thought you’d hear that sort of thing in the night, don’t you? You’d hear all of them dying like they did? We didn’t hear a peep. Neither one of us even woke up… I sent Sam and Maddie to live with my parents for a bit…  I think it’d be good for him to take a little time away from the farm. 

 

SILENCE as they walk for a bit.

 

NAOMI (CONT’D)

Here we are... 

 

SEBASTIAN

Jesus… Um, why haven’t you--

 

NAOMI

Moved them? I don’t know… been trying to get around to it… Just… It’s a lot of work and I’ve been… 

 

ANNABETH

I get it. It’s a lot.

 

NAOMI

Yeah. Yeah it is. It… doesn’t look

natural… does it?

SEBASTIAN

We’ll see what we can do.

 

ANNABETH

How about you show me around? Let

me see how the rest of your animals

are doing.

 

NAOMI’s audio dies down as she and ANNABETH walk away.

 

NAOMI

It looks like they’ve been picked clean.

 

SEBASTIAN

Okay, definitely need a recording of this.

 

Sound of phone lock opening.

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

Annabeth showed me some of the pictures of 

the animals that were

killed… but… it’s completely different

to see it in person. There’s about six

bodies lying up against the fence.

It doesn’t look as if they were moved

there post-mortem… I think… I think they

might have been running away from something

and… been corralled. There is… significant

mutilation of the corpses. I’d have to

find one that is more… intact in order

to analyze just how they were killed.

You guys can’t see this… But… Well, let’s

take a look at this cow here. It’s a

little ways away from the others, so it’s

easier to make out. This is an adult 

female. The front half of the skeleton

is perfectly exposed and the back half

is still encased in leftover muscle 

tissue and skin. There are no signs of

a coyote attack that I can see. Annabeth

explained the signs to me on the way

here, but… the scene goes against their

behavior anyways. They’d pick them off

one by one… not whatever this is. What…

is… Woah, okay, this is weird. Really,

really weird. God, that is absolutely

fascinating. There is… a system of... 

Roots appearing to have… grown into 

the body of the cow. 

 

SEBASTIAN takes things out of his bag.

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT'D)

I’m taking samples of the root system and leaves for Dr. McQuwon to take a look at. She’ll have a better perspective on plantlife than me. 


 

SEBASTIAN snips off bits and places them inside tubes.

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

There’s

no way to explain why it managed to

grow so fast other than a fae interaction. Here’s… another odd thing. 

 

Sound of scissors clipping.

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

The hooves have been… submerged into

the ground. I think whatever fae did

this, they may have coordinated this in

order to trip the cows and make them

easier to kill. That...  would mean

that these fae… have chlorokinesis.

Okay. That narrows it down to nature

spirits, but… I don’t know of any that

could have done this. I’ve heard reports of mass cow and horse

killings on farmland in the Midwest before

in over 10,000 different cases taking place over 

the course of five decades, but this 

isn’t anything like that. The bodies of

those animals appeared to have been almost

surgically mutilated with tongues, eyes,

and other body parts taken out of the

animal pre- and post-mortem with perfect

ease. The bodies were all found in almost

the exact same position: lying flat on

the ground on their sides. No signs of

predators or defensive markings. The oddest

part about those killings is that the bodies

were exsanguinated. No blood was found on

the ground or on the bodies. These bodies…

On the other hand, do show signs of predatory

behavior. There is a hunting strategy used

to not only corral the cows into one location,

but there appear to be slash and bite marks

all along the body. Then there are the

pools of blood around the body. I’m

scared that if these fae, whatever they

are, are getting brave enough to attack

larger prey in a well-coordinated group

such as this, they will extend their

attacks to humans in the surrounding

area. I’m… not sure how to go about

resolving a case like this. Is it best

to exterminate the subjects or to

relocate them to a more isolated

region? I’ll send a field report to the

Institute and get a second opinion.

 

I feel it’s probably for the best to

go about this with as much caution as

possible. I… I think I’ll try looking 

in the corn field first. If that doesn’t 

work, I’ll try looking in the forest. If 

they were living in the house… They would 

have attacked or threatened Naomi

and her son a while ago. Hold on let 

me call Annabeth about something. 

 

SEBASTIAN dials ANNABETH’s number. 

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

Hey. Could you ask Naomi when the house

was built?....It’s new? How new?....

It was finished six months ago, got it.

When did they move in?... A month later.

Okay. Thanks… Yeah… It’s bad over here

too. Really bad…… I’m not sure what

we’re going to have to do about these

Fae. I’ll have to consult the others

to see how we can deal with something

this dangerous…… Yeah, yeah. I would tell

Naomi to go somewhere for about a week

or two. I just don’t know how safe it is

for her here anymore. Not until we deal

with this, I mean. Okay. Good. Yeah.

Just make sure to tell her to leave as

soon as she can… I know, I know… She’ll

be fine I think. I just don’t know what’ll

happen if she keeps staying here. Okay.

How are the animals?... Yeah, I thought

as much. Okay, I got to check out the 

Rest of the property… I’ll see you later.

Bye. 

 

SEBASTIAN hangs up.

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

Alright. First thing’s first. Creepy as

hell corn field that might be filled with

deadly fae. Totally fine. Toootally fine.

 

SEBASTIAN begins walking down a path.

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

I’m hoping that whatever these fae are,

they’ll be able to be communicated with.

That way I will be able to negotiate

terms if they are intelligent enough

to do so. If they aren’t able to convey 

speech… Or if they are animalistic in 

nature… I don’t know what will have to 

end up happening. 

 

SEBASTIAN stops walking.

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

There’s a depression in the corn. This sector has been flattened for some reason, creating a path. Whelp… I guess I am going 

that way. Into… the corn...

 

The sound of dirt traces into the sound of cut leaves.

RUSTLE. RUSTLE. Growls and woops.

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

Hello?

 

RUSTLE. RUSTLE. A SMALL, BOUNCY GLURBLE.

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

Okay. The fae have taken notice of me. Good

to know. Not sure if they made this path as… 

A trap… Or not. Either way, I have just enough

iron on me to protect myself. They’ll want

to keep their distance. I hope. 

The path is… leading up to some sort of

clearing? I guess? And there’s a… Is that

a scarecrow?

 

RUSTLES from all directions come towards SEBASTIAN.

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

Oh. Crap.

 

SEBASTIAN runs along the flattened grass path. High pitched growls come from behind him. A fae breaks out of the corn and into the path. It jumps with a scream. SEBASTIAN grunts and holds his sword up against it. It meets with a clang and the fae screams. It poofs into grass.

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

What… the…

 

More rustling and growls.

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

Annabeth! Annabeth! We have to go! Now!

 

ANNABETH

(Off in the distance)

Seb? Did you find them?
 

SEBASTIAN

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

 

SEBASTIAN keeps running along the path as another fae bursts out of the grass.

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

No. Don’t think so.

 

The sword whooses. The fae screams. It poofs into a puff of

grass. Sebastian keeps on running.

 

ANNABETH

Come on! You’re almost there!

 

SEBASTIAN keeps running. He makes it to the clearing as something jumps out of the corn with a scream. It lashes onto SEBASTIAN and knocks him over.

 

ANNABETH (CONT’D)

Hold on!

 

ANNABETH grunts as she whacks the creature off with a rake.

It screams, but doesn’t poof. SEBASTIAN grabs it. It wails.

The corn rustles as others inside being to make noises as

well. 

 

SEBASTIAN

Do you have a carrier?

 

ANNABETH

Yeah! Yeah! Hold on.

 

ANNABETH runs off. You hear the trunk open.

 

SEBASTIAN

Hurry! I don’t think I can hold this

guy much longer!

 

ANNABETH

Here! Here.

 

SEBASTIAN

Okay, bud. In you-- go.

 

The creature wails and growls as it gets put into the carrier. It bumps against the bars and rattles the case.

ANNABETH

Are- Are we safe?

SEBASTIAN

For now. I don’t think they’ll leave

the corn. 

 

Growls off in the distance. The growls dissipate as the

rustling goes off into the other direction.

 

ANNABETH

Are these what killed the cows?

 

SEBASTIAN

Maybe. I don’t know.

 

ANNABETH

What else could be in there?

 

SEBASTIAN

Exactly.

 

NAOMI runs up.

 

NAOMI

You guys all right? What happened? The... 

That cage is empty. Why is it moving?

 

ANNABETH

We… have something to tell you. Something

you might not really believe. 

 

END OF EPISODE.

CREDITS:

 

The Viridian Wild is created, written, and produced by Davis Walden with creative consulting by Nicole Miller. Our music is composed by Daryl Banner. This episode features the voice of Davis Walden as Sebastian, Leslie Gideon as Annabeth, and Karin Heimdahl as Naomi. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter as The Viridian Wild or email us at theviridianwild@gmail.com. Learn more and find transcripts of this episode at theviridianwild.com. We would like to thank our first Adventurers joining us on this journey: Joe and Mandy Walden. You can support Sebastian’s study of the magical world around us on our patreon at www.patreon.com/theviridianwild and gain access to bonus material such as bloopers and book recommendations. The Viridian Wild is a product of Always in My Head Productions. Till next time, happy trails!

Wizard Seeking Wizard

CHEMISTRO

Alright, Cupid are we recording?

CUPID

Braaaaawk!

CHEMISTRO

Good! Hail listener, it is I, Chemistro the Match Mage, coming to you from the depths of the crystal sphere where I have been imprisoned. The eons are long here and to stay sane I have put out the call to wizards across the multiverse. Wizards that want to meet other wizards! 

SOUND Rising Synth Sparkle

IDRUBOV

I seek, first and foremost, someone who might challenge me in organization.

TASHLYNDA

I would just love to sit down and talk about dark magic over a cup of coffee, or a cup of evil! Which is a beverage I invented, mostly out of coffee.

MASHBOO

Yes, I did a long stint in the sultan’s dungeons for orchestrating a plot against his life. But that is my wont, as a vizier.

SEKHEMET

You see I think the, the teeth, are sort of, the the window to the soul!

 

SOUND Descending Synth Sparkle

CHEMISTRO

Wizard Seeking Wizard is a dating podcast for wizards by wizards, featuring personal ads sent in by the magical community, where YOU get to vote on which wizards date each other. Follow us on twitter at wiz 4 wiz or find us wherever you pluck your podcasts from the ether. 

I think that went well. What do you think, Cupid?

 

CUPID

Caw!