SEASON 1/EPISODE 7: E-I-E-I-AHHHH!
Content Warnings: Animal death, animal eating habits, animal mating habits, animal violence, animal injury, gore, animal mutilation, blood, decomposition of animal corpses, humans as food.
This week we had a promo swap with Wizard Seeking Wizard, a wizard dating podcast. The transcript for the promo is at the bottom of the page, right after our transcript!
Adventurous music fades
EXT. DAY. A farm. Stormy day.
ADVENTUROUS MUSIC continues and DWINDLES into the sound
of car doors slamming. You can hear the wind rustling through corn stalks. Crows caw off in the distance.
How on Earth can you not like this kind of weather?
Trunk opens, ANNABETH rustles for things.
Porque es horrendo. It’s so dreary.
Exactly. It’s cloudy and cold and windy. Perfect weather.
No, no, no. You’re so wrong. It’s sunny and hot weather that’s the best.
You would have loved Panama. It never dives below 77.
They both begin walking down a dirt road.
Becca and I could hit up so many beaches.
And explore Spanish forts.
And see lots and lots of monkeys. Okay. I’m definitely putting this place down on my bucket list.
Maybe we’ll all get the chance. Now that I’m documenting fae full time, it’d be a good stop. It’s one of the most biodiverse countries in the world.
Your parents still living there? They work for the Smithsonian, right?
Yeah. Dad’s still researching butterflies, Mom’s still researching plantlife. They’d love to have you guys down there. They really like guests.
Well, it sounds like a plan! I’ll pack my bathing suits as soon as I finish up my seemingly endless schedule of surgeries.
Glad to hear the clinic’s doing good.
Yeah, it is. Had to hire this one new guy just so that I could keep up. Need all
the help that I can get now that I’m playing Night Nurse for every fae you bring in.
Ohhh you love it. Don’t lie.
Of course I love it! I’m studying creatures no one even knows exist! God. If you hadn’t brought in that Hobgoblin when you had… I don’t even know what I’d be doing right now.
Hey. I’d always bring my guys to you. You’re the best around.
No, really! You are!
Hey. That reminds me. Have you heard from Joshua?
Um. No. Why would I?
He didn’t show up for his appointment.
Maybe he just forgot. Or skipped town.
No… I don’t think he would have done that. He was telling me about how excited he was.
Well, the guy’s a liar. It’s what he does.
A rustle in the corn stalks.
Hey, did you see that?
Nah, never mind. Could have sworn I saw someone.
Maybe it’s the thing among the rows. It’s coming to claim our souls. OoooOOOoooo.
Stop. You know I hate that movie.
Because it sucks so much?
Man… What kind of tree is this? It’s gorgeous.
Rowan. I think.
Must be ancient. It’s huge.
Yeah. It really must be. You know, Rowan is called the witch tree. It’s said to have slews of protective properties. It was real bad luck to harm one.
Hey there! Dr. Hale?
Please. Call me Annabeth.
Naomi. You mind if I smoke?
NAOMI lights her cigarette.
Good. And you are?
Sebastian Verwood. Zoologist.
Never met a zoologist before. They work with vets often?
All the time, but Sebastian’s the one I work with most.
You the one that’s going to find out what’s been killing my cows?
Yeah. That’s exactly what I’m here for.
Good. Make sure you kill the fuckers the second you get your sights on them.
Show us to the pasture?
NAOMI puts out her smoke.
I… I feel- No, I know it isn’t coyotes. What the hell am I dealing with here?
That’s why I’m here. To make sure we find that out.
Now, can you show us where it happened?
Right this way.
How are the other cows?
They’re… They’re terrified. I think.
They won’t leave the barn. Horses won’t either… It’s almost as if they think the pasture’s evil. Hell, if you saw what I saw… You’d think it was evil too. It was… God, it felt like it happened so long ago, but it was only just last week. It… It wasn’t me who found them first. It was my son. He went out to go feed the horses apples from our tree over there. Our dog Maddie hopped on over to follow him. Next thing I know… I just heard him scream. He just wouldn’t stop screaming. And I was so scared. I thought maybe he got kicked by one of the horses. I dropped what I was doing -- I had a vacuum cleaner -- and I sprinted outside. I was calling his name over and over again. He just kept on screaming bloody murder. I saw Maddie
first. She sprinted past me, tail curled between her legs. And then I saw him. I plucked him up and just checked every part of him, just like I did when he was born. Ten toes, ten fingers, a nose, two eyes… And then that’s when I saw what he was looking at. There were just… a dozen of them. All of them were laying there dead and I swear to god they were alive the day before. I thought… I really thought you’d hear that sort of thing in the night, don’t you? You’d hear all of them dying like they did? We didn’t hear a peep. Neither one of us even woke up… I sent Sam and Maddie to live with my parents for a bit… I think it’d be good for him to take a little time away from the farm.
SILENCE as they walk for a bit.
Here we are...
Jesus… Um, why haven’t you--
Moved them? I don’t know… been trying to get around to it… Just… It’s a lot of work and I’ve been…
I get it. It’s a lot.
Yeah. Yeah it is. It… doesn’t look
natural… does it?
We’ll see what we can do.
How about you show me around? Let
me see how the rest of your animals
NAOMI’s audio dies down as she and ANNABETH walk away.
It looks like they’ve been picked clean.
Okay, definitely need a recording of this.
Sound of phone lock opening.
Annabeth showed me some of the pictures of
the animals that were
killed… but… it’s completely different
to see it in person. There’s about six
bodies lying up against the fence.
It doesn’t look as if they were moved
there post-mortem… I think… I think they
might have been running away from something
and… been corralled. There is… significant
mutilation of the corpses. I’d have to
find one that is more… intact in order
to analyze just how they were killed.
You guys can’t see this… But… Well, let’s
take a look at this cow here. It’s a
little ways away from the others, so it’s
easier to make out. This is an adult
female. The front half of the skeleton
is perfectly exposed and the back half
is still encased in leftover muscle
tissue and skin. There are no signs of
a coyote attack that I can see. Annabeth
explained the signs to me on the way
here, but… the scene goes against their
behavior anyways. They’d pick them off
one by one… not whatever this is. What…
is… Woah, okay, this is weird. Really,
really weird. God, that is absolutely
fascinating. There is… a system of...
Roots appearing to have… grown into
the body of the cow.
SEBASTIAN takes things out of his bag.
I’m taking samples of the root system and leaves for Dr. McQuwon to take a look at. She’ll have a better perspective on plantlife than me.
SEBASTIAN snips off bits and places them inside tubes.
no way to explain why it managed to
grow so fast other than a fae interaction. Here’s… another odd thing.
Sound of scissors clipping.
The hooves have been… submerged into
the ground. I think whatever fae did
this, they may have coordinated this in
order to trip the cows and make them
easier to kill. That... would mean
that these fae… have chlorokinesis.
Okay. That narrows it down to nature
spirits, but… I don’t know of any that
could have done this. I’ve heard reports of mass cow and horse
killings on farmland in the Midwest before
in over 10,000 different cases taking place over
the course of five decades, but this
isn’t anything like that. The bodies of
those animals appeared to have been almost
surgically mutilated with tongues, eyes,
and other body parts taken out of the
animal pre- and post-mortem with perfect
ease. The bodies were all found in almost
the exact same position: lying flat on
the ground on their sides. No signs of
predators or defensive markings. The oddest
part about those killings is that the bodies
were exsanguinated. No blood was found on
the ground or on the bodies. These bodies…
On the other hand, do show signs of predatory
behavior. There is a hunting strategy used
to not only corral the cows into one location,
but there appear to be slash and bite marks
all along the body. Then there are the
pools of blood around the body. I’m
scared that if these fae, whatever they
are, are getting brave enough to attack
larger prey in a well-coordinated group
such as this, they will extend their
attacks to humans in the surrounding
area. I’m… not sure how to go about
resolving a case like this. Is it best
to exterminate the subjects or to
relocate them to a more isolated
region? I’ll send a field report to the
Institute and get a second opinion.
I feel it’s probably for the best to
go about this with as much caution as
possible. I… I think I’ll try looking
in the corn field first. If that doesn’t
work, I’ll try looking in the forest. If
they were living in the house… They would
have attacked or threatened Naomi
and her son a while ago. Hold on let
me call Annabeth about something.
SEBASTIAN dials ANNABETH’s number.
Hey. Could you ask Naomi when the house
was built?....It’s new? How new?....
It was finished six months ago, got it.
When did they move in?... A month later.
Okay. Thanks… Yeah… It’s bad over here
too. Really bad…… I’m not sure what
we’re going to have to do about these
Fae. I’ll have to consult the others
to see how we can deal with something
this dangerous…… Yeah, yeah. I would tell
Naomi to go somewhere for about a week
or two. I just don’t know how safe it is
for her here anymore. Not until we deal
with this, I mean. Okay. Good. Yeah.
Just make sure to tell her to leave as
soon as she can… I know, I know… She’ll
be fine I think. I just don’t know what’ll
happen if she keeps staying here. Okay.
How are the animals?... Yeah, I thought
as much. Okay, I got to check out the
Rest of the property… I’ll see you later.
SEBASTIAN hangs up.
Alright. First thing’s first. Creepy as
hell corn field that might be filled with
deadly fae. Totally fine. Toootally fine.
SEBASTIAN begins walking down a path.
I’m hoping that whatever these fae are,
they’ll be able to be communicated with.
That way I will be able to negotiate
terms if they are intelligent enough
to do so. If they aren’t able to convey
speech… Or if they are animalistic in
nature… I don’t know what will have to
end up happening.
SEBASTIAN stops walking.
There’s a depression in the corn. This sector has been flattened for some reason, creating a path. Whelp… I guess I am going
that way. Into… the corn...
The sound of dirt traces into the sound of cut leaves.
RUSTLE. RUSTLE. Growls and woops.
RUSTLE. RUSTLE. A SMALL, BOUNCY GLURBLE.
Okay. The fae have taken notice of me. Good
to know. Not sure if they made this path as…
A trap… Or not. Either way, I have just enough
iron on me to protect myself. They’ll want
to keep their distance. I hope.
The path is… leading up to some sort of
clearing? I guess? And there’s a… Is that
RUSTLES from all directions come towards SEBASTIAN.
SEBASTIAN runs along the flattened grass path. High pitched growls come from behind him. A fae breaks out of the corn and into the path. It jumps with a scream. SEBASTIAN grunts and holds his sword up against it. It meets with a clang and the fae screams. It poofs into grass.
More rustling and growls.
Annabeth! Annabeth! We have to go! Now!
(Off in the distance)
Seb? Did you find them?
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
SEBASTIAN keeps running along the path as another fae bursts out of the grass.
No. Don’t think so.
The sword whooses. The fae screams. It poofs into a puff of
grass. Sebastian keeps on running.
Come on! You’re almost there!
SEBASTIAN keeps running. He makes it to the clearing as something jumps out of the corn with a scream. It lashes onto SEBASTIAN and knocks him over.
ANNABETH grunts as she whacks the creature off with a rake.
It screams, but doesn’t poof. SEBASTIAN grabs it. It wails.
The corn rustles as others inside being to make noises as
Do you have a carrier?
Yeah! Yeah! Hold on.
ANNABETH runs off. You hear the trunk open.
Hurry! I don’t think I can hold this
guy much longer!
Okay, bud. In you-- go.
The creature wails and growls as it gets put into the carrier. It bumps against the bars and rattles the case.
Are- Are we safe?
For now. I don’t think they’ll leave
Growls off in the distance. The growls dissipate as the
rustling goes off into the other direction.
Are these what killed the cows?
Maybe. I don’t know.
What else could be in there?
NAOMI runs up.
You guys all right? What happened? The...
That cage is empty. Why is it moving?
We… have something to tell you. Something
you might not really believe.
END OF EPISODE.
The Viridian Wild is created, written, and produced by Davis Walden with creative consulting by Nicole Miller. Our music is composed by Daryl Banner. This episode features the voice of Davis Walden as Sebastian, Leslie Gideon as Annabeth, and Karin Heimdahl as Naomi. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter as The Viridian Wild or email us at firstname.lastname@example.org. Learn more and find transcripts of this episode at theviridianwild.com. We would like to thank our first Adventurers joining us on this journey: Joe and Mandy Walden. You can support Sebastian’s study of the magical world around us on our patreon at www.patreon.com/theviridianwild and gain access to bonus material such as bloopers and book recommendations. The Viridian Wild is a product of Always in My Head Productions. Till next time, happy trails!
Wizard Seeking Wizard
Alright, Cupid are we recording?
Good! Hail listener, it is I, Chemistro the Match Mage, coming to you from the depths of the crystal sphere where I have been imprisoned. The eons are long here and to stay sane I have put out the call to wizards across the multiverse. Wizards that want to meet other wizards!
SOUND Rising Synth Sparkle
I seek, first and foremost, someone who might challenge me in organization.
I would just love to sit down and talk about dark magic over a cup of coffee, or a cup of evil! Which is a beverage I invented, mostly out of coffee.
Yes, I did a long stint in the sultan’s dungeons for orchestrating a plot against his life. But that is my wont, as a vizier.
You see I think the, the teeth, are sort of, the the window to the soul!
SOUND Descending Synth Sparkle
Wizard Seeking Wizard is a dating podcast for wizards by wizards, featuring personal ads sent in by the magical community, where YOU get to vote on which wizards date each other. Follow us on twitter at wiz 4 wiz or find us wherever you pluck your podcasts from the ether.
I think that went well. What do you think, Cupid?