SEASON 1/EPISODE 8: If Only I Had A Brain

Content Warnings: Animal death, animal eating habits, animal mating habits, animal violence, fantasy violence, humans as potential food, loud noises. 

 

This week we had a promo from The Path Down, a slice-of-life series about college and superpowers.

A farm. Stormy afternoon.


 

ADVENTUROUS MUSIC plays.

 

ADVENTUROUS MUSIC continues and DWINDLES into the sound

of a screen door closing. ANNABETH, NAOMI, and SEBASTIAN

walk across creaking wood floors. The creature is banging

around in its cage. 

 

NAOMI

Now. What the fuck is in the cage?

 

SEBASTIAN

Here.

 

He fishes something out of his pocket.

 

NAOMI

What am I supposed to do with a rock?

 

ANNABETH

Look through the hole.

 

NAOMI

Pfft. Alright. Oh- What- The fuck is

that thing?

 

SEBASTIAN

A fae.

 

NAOMI

A what?

 

ANNABETH

A magical being.

 

NAOMI

That… Lives in a cornfield next to

my house?

 

SEBASTIAN

Yeah. Exactly. 

 

NAOMI

You people really who you say you are?

 

ANNABETH

Oh yeah, real vet.

 

SEBASTIAN

Mythozoologist here.

 

NAOMI

Uh-huh. How do we kill these things?

 

SEBASTIAN

Um… I mean… We don’t know what… I… 

 

ANNABETH

Sebastian.

 

SEBASTIAN

Okay. I already slashed through

two of them with the sword, but 

I’m not sure if it did the trick 

or if they just ran off. Do

you have any iron in the house?

 

NAOMI

Iron?

 

SEBASTIAN

It can really hurt them. It’s just a

precaution. 

 

NAOMI

I have a skillet. And maybe that poker

over there. Oh- Wait. I also have this... 

 

NAOMI walks over to a door. She pulls something off of

the wall. 

 

NAOMI (CONT’D)

Little rusted over. It’s a hay hook. 

Thought it looked kitschy as a wall

decoration. 

 

ANNABETH

Oh… That’ll work just fine. Hey, Seb?

 

SEBASTIAN

Yeah?

 

ANNABETH

Please tell me you know what that thing

is.

 

SEBASTIAN

Oh… I have absolutely  no clue. He’s

just fascinating though…  

 

NAOMI

Sure. Real fascinating.

 

SEBASTIAN

Oh, sorry. I meant-- I mean--

 

ANNABETH

He means it’s entirely new to our

field of study.

 

NAOMI

I’m… I’m going to go grab a glass

of water, you two want anything?
 

ANNABETH

No, thank you. Seb?

 

SEBASTIAN

Hm? Oh, no, I’m good. Thank you, 

though.

 

NAOMI

I’ll be right back.

 

NAOMI leaves.

 

SEBASTIAN

I didn’t mean--

 

ANNABETH

Mira, I know what you meant. Just… 

Keep the Alan Grant toned down.

 

SEBASTIAN

Okay… Okay. Um… Here… Look. 

It’s built like a primate. Opposable thumbs on its hands, no tail… It could 

Probably even use some rudimentary tools if it liked.

 

The creature growls and moves around.

ANNABETH

Is this what killed the cows?

 

SEBASTIAN

This and probably at least another

dozen. They have chlorokinesis.

 

ANNABETH

They have what?

 

SEBASTIAN

They can control plant life. Mold it,

move it, force it to grow. Or at least

I think that they can do that. When I

looked at the cows, a series of plants

were growing into them, like they were

leeching off of the nutrients.

 

ANNABETH

Hm. I… I wonder… 

If the coloration of its skin and 

hair pigments… Even the eyes… 

SEBASTIAN

The green.

 

ANNABETH

Yeah. If it’s… 

 

SEBASTIAN

A chlorophyll-based lifeform?

 

ANNABETH

Exactly. And if that’s the case... 

It’d mean that it can gain its

energy from sunlight. 

 

SEBASTIAN

Unless it needs the extra energy

to account for its movements and

size.

 

ANNABETH

And that would explain the predatory

behavior. 

 

SEBASTIAN

Yeah, but what if they weren’t attacking

the cows out of predation. What if

it were triggered by the house’s

construction?

 

ANNABETH

It’s… territorial?

 

SEBASTIAN

Cool, right?

 

ANNABETH

As cool as a demonic grass type Pokemon 

can be, sure.

NAOMI

Here you go. 

 

SEBASTIAN

Thank you.

 

ANNABETH

Naomi, do you know what was here before

the house was built?

 

NAOMI

Just the tree and the fields from what

I was told. New property developed for

farmland. Why?

 

SEBASTIAN

We… I think it may have triggered the

creatures to attack.

 

NAOMI

Shit.

 

ANNABETH

I’m sorry.

 

NAOMI

No, no. It’s fine. Just… Pissed it

happened is all. Thought it’d be

nice living out in a small town like

this. Away from the city. You know

you can actually see the stars here

at night?

 

ANNABETH

That sounds beautiful.

 

NAOMI

Yeah, well, guess nothing’s perfect,

huh? 

 

SEBASTIAN

We’ll try to figure out a way to deal

with these guys.

 

NAOMI

You don’t even know what they are.

 

SEBASTIAN

No… No I don’t. 

 

ANNABETH

Do you think the other teams do?

 

NAOMI

Other teams?

 

SEBASTIAN

There are six other teams studying

Fae in the Northern Hemisphere. And, 

no, we would have heard about a species

like this by now. 

 

ANNABETH

What about… Do you know of any, I

don’t know, farmland fae in folklore?

 

SEBASTIAN

Um… No… Well--

 

ANNABETH

What?

 

SEBASTIAN

No. No way. That couldn’t be

it. We’re not even close to the

Mediterranean. 

 

NAOMI

For God’s sake spit it out.

 

SEBASTIAN

A Karpos. It’s… It’s like a grain

spirit. They were said to be servants

of Demeter, the Greek goddess of 

agriculture. They’re… cherubic and… 

have teeth… and--

 

ANNABETH

Have wings?...

Chucha.

 

SEBASTIAN

Hello little guy, so you’re a Karpos.

 

NAOMI

Are they… Did they kill my animals?

 

ANNABETH

We think so.

 

NAOMI

Okay then.

 

NAOMI marches around the house opening drawers.

 

ANNABETH

What are you doing?


 

NAOMI pulls out a jug of gasoline.

 

NAOMI

Going to burn the fuckers, what else?

 

SEBASTIAN

Wait! Maybe we can do something else,

move them?

 

NAOMI

And what? Let it happen to someone else?

 

SEBASTIAN

They were probably just scared. Something

invaded their territory.

 

ANNABETH

Sebastian.

 

NAOMI

Fuck their territory. They scared my little

boy. They could have killed my little boy.

 

SEBASTIAN

They just acted out! They’re scared!

 

NAOMI

I’m scared. The human is scared.

 

NAOMI opens the screen door.

 

SEBASTIAN

Wait. Just hold on one second.

 

NAOMI

Leave me alone. If you aren’t going to

help me, then leave me alone.

 

NAOMI stops in her tracks.

 

ANNABETH

Naomi?

 

NAOMI

What… What is that?

 

ANNABETH

They… They moved it there. The

Karpos. They moved it.

 

NAOMI

I… I don’t have a scarecrow on

my property. I was… I was going

to make one.

The wind blows. The wood of the house creaks. The branches of the rowan tree sway. 

 

ANNABETH

Sebastian?

 

SEBASTIAN

Um… Nothing good.

 

ANNABETH

Is that a scientific guess?

 

SEBASTIAN

Nope. Just a there’s-a-creepy-

scarecrow-in-the-driveway kind of 

guess.  

 

ANNABETH

Gotcha. So… Do we kill Jeepers Creepers

over there?

 

SEBASTIAN

I… I… I think that would be a wise 

choice.

The Karpos rattles in its cage. It begins to yowl. It knocks itself off of the table.

 

NAOMI

Shit.

 

Silence.

 

ANNABETH

Where’d it go?

 

SEBASTIAN

The Karpos left. I think. 

 

ANNABETH

Not the Karpos.

 

SEBASTIAN

Aw, fuck me, not the scarecrow.

 

ANNABETH

Uh-huh. Is the house locked?

 

NAOMI

No.

 

A bang. Another bang.

 

ANNABETH

Text the teams. Now.

 

SEBASTIAN

Already on it.

 

A window breaks.

 

NAOMI

Move, move, move. To the basement.

 

The trio rush over to another part of the house. NAOMI tugs on a latch.

 

NAOMI

Come on you stubborn bitch.

 

The latch tugs loose. They open up the wooden door. They close the door behind them. The basement lights are turned on. They walk down the stairs.

 

ANNABETH

They answering?

 

SEBASTIAN

Nope. Not yet.

 

ANNABETH

Shit. Shit. Um… Think!

 

SEBASTIAN

About what?

 

ANNABETH

I don’t know! Use that stupid nerd

brain of yours. What scarecrow

fae are there?

 

SEBASTIAN

Um… Um… There’s the sack man, but

that targets children.

 

ANNABETH

Would that see us as a threat?

 

SEBASTIAN

I’m pretty sure the sack man’s fake.


 

ANNABETH

Pretty sure is not sure sure. 

 

SEBASTIAN

Sure enough.

 

A  bang on the basement door.

 

ANNABETH

Shit.

 

Another bang on the door.

 

SEBASTIAN

We have the iron things right?

 

NAOMI

Yeah. Right-- Oh fuck.

 

ANNABETH

What?

 

A hook slams through the door. It tears at the wood.

 

NAOMI

Oh, are you fucking kidding me?

 

ANNABETH

It’s not weak to iron? How?

 

SEBASTIAN

It was wearing gloves.

 

It comes down again.

 

ANNABETH

Is there another way out of here?

NAOMI

The cellar door. Over there.

 

SEBASTIAN runs over and grunts as he pushes the door.

 

SEBASTIAN

It’s locked.

 

NAOMI

From the outside. Shit.

 

The wood of the door splinters as the hook comes through again.

 

ANNABETH

Hey. Maybe we can use this.

 

ANNABETH pulls off a blanket.

 

NAOMI

That old thing?

 

SEBASTIAN

A bookcase?

 

ANNABETH

It’s thin enough. Battering ram.

We can use the shelves as handles.

 

SEBASTIAN

Okay. Let’s do it then.

 

The door is coming loose. You can hear the growls of the Karpoi.

 

ANNABETH

Okay. One… Two… Three!

 

A whack. The lock jiggles.

 

ANNABETH

One. Two. Three!

 

A whack.

 

ANNABETH

One. Two. Three!

 

SEBASTIAN

Rowan wood wards off evil. Rowan

wood is protection against enchantment.

 

Another whack. The basement door handles jiggle.

 

NAOMI

Shit. Shit. Shit.

 

ANNABETH

One. Two. Three!

 

The cellar door gives way.

 

SEBASTIAN

Wait! I know what to do!

 

ANNABETH

What?

 

The Karpoi run towards all of them. The scarecrow follows.

 

ANNABETH

Run! Run!

 

The trio hoist themselves up the stairs and shut the cellar door behind them. It knocks violently.

 

NAOMI

This won’t hold long.

 

SEBASTIAN

Oh shit I really hope I’m right.

SEBASTIAN runs off.

 

ANNABETH

Wait! Where are you--

 

The cellar door has a violent whack.

 

ANNABETH (CONT’D)

Sebastian!

 

SEBASTIAN

Please let me be right. Please let 

me be right.

 

SEBASTIAN runs across the field. SEBASTIAN knocks on the tree.

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

Please allow me to take a branch.

 

The wind sways through the tree and a snap is heard.

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

Thanks.

 

SEBASTIAN runs back.

 

ANNABETH

A stick?!

 

SEBASTIAN

Open the door!

 

NAOMI

What? No!

 

SEBASTIAN

Open the door!

 

ANNABETH

O-Okay. On three. One. Two-- OOF.

The door flies open. SEBASTIAN yells as the scarecrow tumbles towards him. You hear a crunching noise as the scarecrow unleashes an unearthly wail. The scarecrow’s wail dies into a cry and it crumbles to the ground. The Karpoi make a confused noise and then scamper off.

 

NAOMI

Where are they going?

 

ANNABETH

I don’t-- Sebastian, what did you do?

 

SEBASTIAN

Rowan wood. It’s in fae lore. They were

scared of the house for a reason. It’s

where the tree was.

 

ANNABETH

But why’d they even come here then?

 

SEBASTIAN

I don’t think it was them, I think it

was because of it.

 

SEBASTIAN kicks the scarecrow.

 

SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)

Karpoi were followers of Demeter, right?

Maybe they were just under its control.


 

ANNABETH

What the hell was it then?

 

SEBASTIAN

I don’t know, but we have a subject to 

study now.

 

NAOMI

Are- Are they gone?

 

SEBASTIAN

The Karpoi? I don’t think so… But I

don’t think they’ll be bothering you

anymore. 

 

NAOMI

Are you sure?

 

SEBASTIAN

If anything, do what they did in Europe.

Hang rowan wood or iron on your animals. 

It’ll keep them safe. Just make sure

you ask permission first.

 

NAOMI

From the animals?

 

SEBASTIAN

From the tree.

 

NAOMI

That’s… Okay. I’ll be sure to do that.

Thank you.

 

ANNABETH

I guess you’ll be seeing more of those

starry nights after all.


 

NAOMI

I guess I will.

 

ADVENTUROUS MUSIC. FADES INTO OUTRO.

The Viridian Wild is created, written, and produced by Davis Walden with creative consulting by Nicole Miller. Our music is composed by Daryl Banner. This episode features the voice of Davis Walden as Sebastian, Leslie Gideon as Annabeth, and Karin Heimdahl as Naomi. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter as The Viridian Wild or email us at theviridianwild@gmail.com. Learn more and find transcripts of this episode at theviridianwild.com. We would like to thank our first Adventurers joining us on this journey: Joe and Mandy Walden and Daniel Foytik. You can support Sebastian’s study of the magical world around us on our patreon at www.patreon.com/theviridianwild and gain access to bonus material such as bloopers and book recommendations. The Viridian Wild is a product of Always in My Head Productions. Till next time, happy trails!