
SEASON 1/EPISODE 8: If Only I Had A Brain
Content Warnings: Animal death, animal eating habits, animal mating habits, animal violence, fantasy violence, humans as potential food, loud noises.
This week we had a promo from The Path Down, a slice-of-life series about college and superpowers.
A farm. Stormy afternoon.
ADVENTUROUS MUSIC plays.
ADVENTUROUS MUSIC continues and DWINDLES into the sound
of a screen door closing. ANNABETH, NAOMI, and SEBASTIAN
walk across creaking wood floors. The creature is banging
around in its cage.
NAOMI
Now. What the fuck is in the cage?
SEBASTIAN
Here.
He fishes something out of his pocket.
NAOMI
What am I supposed to do with a rock?
ANNABETH
Look through the hole.
NAOMI
Pfft. Alright. Oh- What- The fuck is
that thing?
SEBASTIAN
A fae.
NAOMI
A what?
ANNABETH
A magical being.
NAOMI
That… Lives in a cornfield next to
my house?
SEBASTIAN
Yeah. Exactly.
NAOMI
You people really who you say you are?
ANNABETH
Oh yeah, real vet.
SEBASTIAN
Mythozoologist here.
NAOMI
Uh-huh. How do we kill these things?
SEBASTIAN
Um… I mean… We don’t know what… I…
ANNABETH
Sebastian.
SEBASTIAN
Okay. I already slashed through
two of them with the sword, but
I’m not sure if it did the trick
or if they just ran off. Do
you have any iron in the house?
NAOMI
Iron?
SEBASTIAN
It can really hurt them. It’s just a
precaution.
NAOMI
I have a skillet. And maybe that poker
over there. Oh- Wait. I also have this...
NAOMI walks over to a door. She pulls something off of
the wall.
NAOMI (CONT’D)
Little rusted over. It’s a hay hook.
Thought it looked kitschy as a wall
decoration.
ANNABETH
Oh… That’ll work just fine. Hey, Seb?
SEBASTIAN
Yeah?
ANNABETH
Please tell me you know what that thing
is.
SEBASTIAN
Oh… I have absolutely no clue. He’s
just fascinating though…
NAOMI
Sure. Real fascinating.
SEBASTIAN
Oh, sorry. I meant-- I mean--
ANNABETH
He means it’s entirely new to our
field of study.
NAOMI
I’m… I’m going to go grab a glass
of water, you two want anything?
ANNABETH
No, thank you. Seb?
SEBASTIAN
Hm? Oh, no, I’m good. Thank you,
though.
NAOMI
I’ll be right back.
NAOMI leaves.
SEBASTIAN
I didn’t mean--
ANNABETH
Mira, I know what you meant. Just…
Keep the Alan Grant toned down.
SEBASTIAN
Okay… Okay. Um… Here… Look.
It’s built like a primate. Opposable thumbs on its hands, no tail… It could
Probably even use some rudimentary tools if it liked.
The creature growls and moves around.
ANNABETH
Is this what killed the cows?
SEBASTIAN
This and probably at least another
dozen. They have chlorokinesis.
ANNABETH
They have what?
SEBASTIAN
They can control plant life. Mold it,
move it, force it to grow. Or at least
I think that they can do that. When I
looked at the cows, a series of plants
were growing into them, like they were
leeching off of the nutrients.
ANNABETH
Hm. I… I wonder…
If the coloration of its skin and
hair pigments… Even the eyes…
SEBASTIAN
The green.
ANNABETH
Yeah. If it’s…
SEBASTIAN
A chlorophyll-based lifeform?
ANNABETH
Exactly. And if that’s the case...
It’d mean that it can gain its
energy from sunlight.
SEBASTIAN
Unless it needs the extra energy
to account for its movements and
size.
ANNABETH
And that would explain the predatory
behavior.
SEBASTIAN
Yeah, but what if they weren’t attacking
the cows out of predation. What if
it were triggered by the house’s
construction?
ANNABETH
It’s… territorial?
SEBASTIAN
Cool, right?
ANNABETH
As cool as a demonic grass type Pokemon
can be, sure.
NAOMI
Here you go.
SEBASTIAN
Thank you.
ANNABETH
Naomi, do you know what was here before
the house was built?
NAOMI
Just the tree and the fields from what
I was told. New property developed for
farmland. Why?
SEBASTIAN
We… I think it may have triggered the
creatures to attack.
NAOMI
Shit.
ANNABETH
I’m sorry.
NAOMI
No, no. It’s fine. Just… Pissed it
happened is all. Thought it’d be
nice living out in a small town like
this. Away from the city. You know
you can actually see the stars here
at night?
ANNABETH
That sounds beautiful.
NAOMI
Yeah, well, guess nothing’s perfect,
huh?
SEBASTIAN
We’ll try to figure out a way to deal
with these guys.
NAOMI
You don’t even know what they are.
SEBASTIAN
No… No I don’t.
ANNABETH
Do you think the other teams do?
NAOMI
Other teams?
SEBASTIAN
There are six other teams studying
Fae in the Northern Hemisphere. And,
no, we would have heard about a species
like this by now.
ANNABETH
What about… Do you know of any, I
don’t know, farmland fae in folklore?
SEBASTIAN
Um… No… Well--
ANNABETH
What?
SEBASTIAN
No. No way. That couldn’t be
it. We’re not even close to the
Mediterranean.
NAOMI
For God’s sake spit it out.
SEBASTIAN
A Karpos. It’s… It’s like a grain
spirit. They were said to be servants
of Demeter, the Greek goddess of
agriculture. They’re… cherubic and…
have teeth… and--
ANNABETH
Have wings?...
Chucha.
SEBASTIAN
Hello little guy, so you’re a Karpos.
NAOMI
Are they… Did they kill my animals?
ANNABETH
We think so.
NAOMI
Okay then.
NAOMI marches around the house opening drawers.
ANNABETH
What are you doing?
NAOMI pulls out a jug of gasoline.
NAOMI
Going to burn the fuckers, what else?
SEBASTIAN
Wait! Maybe we can do something else,
move them?
NAOMI
And what? Let it happen to someone else?
SEBASTIAN
They were probably just scared. Something
invaded their territory.
ANNABETH
Sebastian.
NAOMI
Fuck their territory. They scared my little
boy. They could have killed my little boy.
SEBASTIAN
They just acted out! They’re scared!
NAOMI
I’m scared. The human is scared.
NAOMI opens the screen door.
SEBASTIAN
Wait. Just hold on one second.
NAOMI
Leave me alone. If you aren’t going to
help me, then leave me alone.
NAOMI stops in her tracks.
ANNABETH
Naomi?
NAOMI
What… What is that?
ANNABETH
They… They moved it there. The
Karpos. They moved it.
NAOMI
I… I don’t have a scarecrow on
my property. I was… I was going
to make one.
The wind blows. The wood of the house creaks. The branches of the rowan tree sway.
ANNABETH
Sebastian?
SEBASTIAN
Um… Nothing good.
ANNABETH
Is that a scientific guess?
SEBASTIAN
Nope. Just a there’s-a-creepy-
scarecrow-in-the-driveway kind of
guess.
ANNABETH
Gotcha. So… Do we kill Jeepers Creepers
over there?
SEBASTIAN
I… I… I think that would be a wise
choice.
The Karpos rattles in its cage. It begins to yowl. It knocks itself off of the table.
NAOMI
Shit.
Silence.
ANNABETH
Where’d it go?
SEBASTIAN
The Karpos left. I think.
ANNABETH
Not the Karpos.
SEBASTIAN
Aw, fuck me, not the scarecrow.
ANNABETH
Uh-huh. Is the house locked?
NAOMI
No.
A bang. Another bang.
ANNABETH
Text the teams. Now.
SEBASTIAN
Already on it.
A window breaks.
NAOMI
Move, move, move. To the basement.
The trio rush over to another part of the house. NAOMI tugs on a latch.
NAOMI
Come on you stubborn bitch.
The latch tugs loose. They open up the wooden door. They close the door behind them. The basement lights are turned on. They walk down the stairs.
ANNABETH
They answering?
SEBASTIAN
Nope. Not yet.
ANNABETH
Shit. Shit. Um… Think!
SEBASTIAN
About what?
ANNABETH
I don’t know! Use that stupid nerd
brain of yours. What scarecrow
fae are there?
SEBASTIAN
Um… Um… There’s the sack man, but
that targets children.
ANNABETH
Would that see us as a threat?
SEBASTIAN
I’m pretty sure the sack man’s fake.
ANNABETH
Pretty sure is not sure sure.
SEBASTIAN
Sure enough.
A bang on the basement door.
ANNABETH
Shit.
Another bang on the door.
SEBASTIAN
We have the iron things right?
NAOMI
Yeah. Right-- Oh fuck.
ANNABETH
What?
A hook slams through the door. It tears at the wood.
NAOMI
Oh, are you fucking kidding me?
ANNABETH
It’s not weak to iron? How?
SEBASTIAN
It was wearing gloves.
It comes down again.
ANNABETH
Is there another way out of here?
NAOMI
The cellar door. Over there.
SEBASTIAN runs over and grunts as he pushes the door.
SEBASTIAN
It’s locked.
NAOMI
From the outside. Shit.
The wood of the door splinters as the hook comes through again.
ANNABETH
Hey. Maybe we can use this.
ANNABETH pulls off a blanket.
NAOMI
That old thing?
SEBASTIAN
A bookcase?
ANNABETH
It’s thin enough. Battering ram.
We can use the shelves as handles.
SEBASTIAN
Okay. Let’s do it then.
The door is coming loose. You can hear the growls of the Karpoi.
ANNABETH
Okay. One… Two… Three!
A whack. The lock jiggles.
ANNABETH
One. Two. Three!
A whack.
ANNABETH
One. Two. Three!
SEBASTIAN
Rowan wood wards off evil. Rowan
wood is protection against enchantment.
Another whack. The basement door handles jiggle.
NAOMI
Shit. Shit. Shit.
ANNABETH
One. Two. Three!
The cellar door gives way.
SEBASTIAN
Wait! I know what to do!
ANNABETH
What?
The Karpoi run towards all of them. The scarecrow follows.
ANNABETH
Run! Run!
The trio hoist themselves up the stairs and shut the cellar door behind them. It knocks violently.
NAOMI
This won’t hold long.
SEBASTIAN
Oh shit I really hope I’m right.
SEBASTIAN runs off.
ANNABETH
Wait! Where are you--
The cellar door has a violent whack.
ANNABETH (CONT’D)
Sebastian!
SEBASTIAN
Please let me be right. Please let
me be right.
SEBASTIAN runs across the field. SEBASTIAN knocks on the tree.
SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)
Please allow me to take a branch.
The wind sways through the tree and a snap is heard.
SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)
Thanks.
SEBASTIAN runs back.
ANNABETH
A stick?!
SEBASTIAN
Open the door!
NAOMI
What? No!
SEBASTIAN
Open the door!
ANNABETH
O-Okay. On three. One. Two-- OOF.
The door flies open. SEBASTIAN yells as the scarecrow tumbles towards him. You hear a crunching noise as the scarecrow unleashes an unearthly wail. The scarecrow’s wail dies into a cry and it crumbles to the ground. The Karpoi make a confused noise and then scamper off.
NAOMI
Where are they going?
ANNABETH
I don’t-- Sebastian, what did you do?
SEBASTIAN
Rowan wood. It’s in fae lore. They were
scared of the house for a reason. It’s
where the tree was.
ANNABETH
But why’d they even come here then?
SEBASTIAN
I don’t think it was them, I think it
was because of it.
SEBASTIAN kicks the scarecrow.
SEBASTIAN (CONT’D)
Karpoi were followers of Demeter, right?
Maybe they were just under its control.
ANNABETH
What the hell was it then?
SEBASTIAN
I don’t know, but we have a subject to
study now.
NAOMI
Are- Are they gone?
SEBASTIAN
The Karpoi? I don’t think so… But I
don’t think they’ll be bothering you
anymore.
NAOMI
Are you sure?
SEBASTIAN
If anything, do what they did in Europe.
Hang rowan wood or iron on your animals.
It’ll keep them safe. Just make sure
you ask permission first.
NAOMI
From the animals?
SEBASTIAN
From the tree.
NAOMI
That’s… Okay. I’ll be sure to do that.
Thank you.
ANNABETH
I guess you’ll be seeing more of those
starry nights after all.
NAOMI
I guess I will.
ADVENTUROUS MUSIC. FADES INTO OUTRO.
The Viridian Wild is created, written, and produced by Davis Walden with creative consulting by Nicole Miller. Our music is composed by Daryl Banner. This episode features the voice of Davis Walden as Sebastian, Leslie Gideon as Annabeth, and Karin Heimdahl as Naomi. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter as The Viridian Wild or email us at theviridianwild@gmail.com. Learn more and find transcripts of this episode at theviridianwild.com. We would like to thank our first Adventurers joining us on this journey: Joe and Mandy Walden and Daniel Foytik. You can support Sebastian’s study of the magical world around us on our patreon at www.patreon.com/theviridianwild and gain access to bonus material such as bloopers and book recommendations. The Viridian Wild is a product of Always in My Head Productions. Till next time, happy trails!